Farms, Freak Concerts, & Tomorrow | GO Magazine

4 am, Chrystie Street: i am guzzling champagne like i will the couch. 6am, Sugar: I’m ordering pancakes and gossiping on today defunct diner stuffed with building industry workers and burlesque performers.  8:45 am, the
Lengthy Island
Railroad: Help me. 10am, Babylon facility: my father picks me right up, and I beg him to quit at Starbucks.

“have you been frigging kidding myself? There is a cawffee container yourself!” The guy pretends to-be frustrated but the guy prevents each time.

At your home, we buff away from my eyeliner, add some black shade and another coating of concealer, turn my personal 26 inches tresses extensions into a bun directly on very top of my personal head, throw-on black Spanx leggings, platform boots, black colored onyx earrings in the form of snakes, a maroon polo that claims HARBES FARM and a reputation tag that states DAYNA: BARNYARD ADVENTURE REPRESENTATIVE.

My trip through canal of
downtown and drugs
has come to a detailed now you need to start up my Subaru, placed on Lana Del Rey, and take the Sunrise Highway right to my seriously ironic job on a farm.

Libby, a tiny white goat greets me each and every morning, and uses myself around as I refill the hand sanitizer and goat meals dispensers in the BARNYARD ADVENTURE.

Harbes Farm pulls affluent tourists and city dwellers selecting the most wonderful Instagram post with one of many next things: a candy fruit, a pumpkin, a wine bottle, or a cider donut, with among the many after captions:

drink perhaps not?


Pumpkin spruce and everything nice

, or

chose the number one any

(insert fruit emoji right here). On weekdays, if you find a lull from the flannel-clad youngsters and hot moms with french manicures, when I’m completed with my tasks such as making sure the Sirius XM section is obviously tuned to “family bluegrass,” I stealthily slip my personal laptop out of my personal phony Gucci case covered in shady stains and anxiously refresh my personal e-mail, anxious to see if any editors have obtained back into me.

According to

I overlook the audio in the phone ringing (i am talking about, exactly who

telephone calls

a fucking


?) and take Libby a peek that says “keep your own snout closed.” She dutifully consumes a haphazard little bit of lint off of the flooring and pretends never to see me personally entering away like a junkie instead of responding to the telephone. You have to pitch another editor. The editor of an esteemed lesbian publication.

Dear Publisher,

Image the grimiest dive bar you know. Integrate by using more gross porta-potty you have ever peed in.  Blend by using the crowd that is regarding the longer isle Railroad a single day associated with the Saint Patrick’s Day procession. Grow that by a million along with The Dizzy Lizard Saloon. This is where we came across my personal basic really serious girlfriend. At Hofstra University last year, we were nonetheless deep in our Jersey Shore phase—Ed Hardy shirts, bejeweled Blackberry cases, squirt tans. I’d like to write an
article for GO Mag
on navigating an aggressively heterosexual area in a lesbian commitment. Performs this seem like anything you’d be thinking about?

please kindly please or we’ll eliminate me kindly

I hit deliver and before i could commemorate with a call on PIG PEN PALOOZA, children of 5 will come in buying BARNYARD ADVENTURE seats.

“Hi! Welcome to Harbes! Do You Want to attempt your b–”

never say butthole, never say butthole –


“PetUH,  seem the great lady inside the attention whenever she offers the wristband.”

I don’t care and attention should you look me in the erect nipples, simply hurry up therefore I can refresh my personal e-mail.

At long last, some slack in clients gives me personally a chance to fling my laptop computer open so hard I send an
acrylic nail
ricocheting into the apple cider donut device in the process.

Hi Dayna,

I completely LOVE this notion, it has been a long time since I have’ve got a pitch that excites me, thus thank-you.

Completely approved.

My personal fingers slam in to the keyboard and that I almost foam within throat as I write the complete essay in less than one hour behind the sign-up. When I arise for air, Libby is eyeing myself. “Weirdo,” she


under the woman air and trots out. “also remember to re-fill the goat food dispenser at my section,” she phone calls behind the girl, wagging their stumpy small end, while my fingers nonetheless tremble over my personal notebook.

After time is over,

We speed house or apartment with a banana and an eating plan Coke dangling from my personal purple Mac computer smeared
and that I’m already taking my work shirt off before we walk-in the leading doorway. We throw on a latex black colored catsuit and douse my self in skip Dior. Father offers to drive us to the LIRR. Like getting candy from a child.

“Why are you usually sporting ya underwears?” he asks while he shoves a windbreaker that has been when you look at the cabinet since 1993 into my arms. He prevents at Starbucks after adding a fake protest. I leave the windbreaker from inside the car. Babylon to Penn Station. Penn Station to St Jeromes. Jeromes to a “secret place.” A spray coated college bus to a warehouse in Greenpoint. Susanne Bartsch. Blinking lights. Start club.  We accidentally follow Solange to the woman exclusive auto. I have to be back regarding the farm in 6 hours, but i cannot withstand the siren phone call associated with the reduce East part. The Container. Once More.

My personal favorite restroom attendant, firm as ever, continues, using a tuxedo and re-filling mints in her dark and ornate jail of fake silver and velvet, filtering toilets and natural nostrils, high-pitched moans and low priced recommendations, cold water and cold treatment, old cologne and young girls, porcelain sinks, porcelain epidermis, porcelain lines.

We are loaded in love sardines and that I can not actually notice artists, which will be truly fine with me. In the event that famous Rose Wood is not performing in the Box, I don’t truly care how are you affected on-stage. Certain, burlesque dancers might be hot, but are they clothed as Anna Wintour and plunging their particular butt with copies of Vogue, driving in a shopping cart and throwing shit within audience, clearing a condom on a wealthy overseas Prince, or lighting their own knob ablaze while sobbing blue mascara tears? I didn’t think-so.

After clinking champers with hot bearded gay males and thin versions, my buddy Gabe whisks myself to a “sound show” which only plays sound of an automobile accident repeatedly.

Lady Starlight,

dressed up in a marching group costume outfit, idly revolves on an archive member.

I wish Libby was here,

I do believe to my self whenever I see a pub kid wearing hooves.

I invest my personal entire salary on an Uber straight away to operate from Sugar. My vision beg to close and I drink bluish Gatorade while Libby judges me personally.

“At least my brother does not hump me,” we snicker while we scoop the girl upwards inside my hands. We deliver another pitch to GO’s publisher before switching on the Bluegrass family members Sirius XM section. If I need hear “Wagon Wheel” one more time, I might leap in front of a tractor. She emails myself back immediately and serotonin cha-chas through my personal mind.

After my personal ”
10 The Explanation Why Jenny Schecter Is Actually A Feminist Symbol
” pitch is eligible, we cash my personal farm income and rate toward sole acceptable cafe during my home town. I prop myself personally on club using my laptop, order a bottle of dark wine and burrata and bang on my keyboard the way I’d imagine Frank Zappa would incredibly write a track or a witch would cast a spell. “Los Angeles Vie En Rose” is actually playing and that I calmly thank Lana Del Rey as a tear splashes from my personal lash extensions. We pray this can be the past time Im consuming dinner on Montauk Highway in suburbia.

A couple of weeks later, i am going to move inside character of an editor for just one of The usa’s preeminent and a lot of extensively study lesbian mags. My personal email dents and I go searching as though Ashton Kutcher will probably appear making use of “Punked” digital camera crew any second.

We definitely sooo want to maybe you have write much more and–actually I’m not sure if you’re contemplating implementing but our company is choosing a writer/editor today to participate our team! I believe you would be a fantastic match!

Goat crap, stage shit. Glitter bombs, stacks of dust. Paychecks, eight testicle. Father’s auto, Sophia Lamar. $15 an hour, $2k a container. Maroon polo, black colored latex catsuit. Lighters and candy oranges. Imperial lip area and pumpkin patches. Stables and complete strangers. Finish the package. Hit send.